Reflection
by SevenSparkles
Summary: This is a songfic that takes place after Zidler has told Satine that she is not to see Christian anymore - with a twist at the end!


Reflection

By chandlove7

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own _Moulin Rouge_ (sadly…) it belongs to Baz and Fox…although if they really wanted to, they could give me Ewan…that would be nice…  I also do not own the song "Reflection" – it belongs to Christina Aguilera.

**A/N:**  This is your typical songfic.  It takes place after Zidler tells Satine that she can't see Christian anymore.

_Look at me   
You may think you see_  
_Who I really am   
But you'll never know me   
Every day   
It's as if I play a part_

Satine sat at her mirror, the hot tears cascading down her beautiful pale face, searing her soft skin.  She couldn't tell Christian.  The look on his face when he told her they should go away together was so full of love and life, and innocence.  He loved her for who she was, not because she was the Sparkling Diamond.  Before Christian, she was just a pawn in the games of the rich who came to the Moulin Rouge.  She was just an item, not a person. And now she had to tell him that she could never see him again.  As painful as that was for her, she could not imagine what it would be like for him.  And it was so painful for her.  She could not bear the thought of a life without Christian.  

_Now I see   
If I wear a mask   
I can fool the world   
But I cannot fool my heart  
  
_

He came to Montmarte to begin a new life, and to love.  He had found love, and now – he would have to lose love.  And it all rested heavily on this diamond's shoulders.  She looked at herself in the mirror, not quite understanding why this was happening to her.  She wanted to fly away – be free of this life, and Christian would be giving that to her.  Only she couldn't have it.  

_  
 Who is that girl I see   
Staring straight back at me?   
When will my reflection show   
Who I am inside?   
  
_

          As she glanced around her room, her gaze fell on all of the beautiful diamonds and jewels she had been given by her many customers.  But all the money and jewels in the world could not compensate for Christian.  The Duke would only be giving her material things; in return she would have to sleep with him.  The very thought repulsed her, as only last night she had been in the Duke's clutches, struggling for a breath as he violently tried to take advantage of her.  Christian was never forceful with her in any way.  He was always delicate, sensuous and caring.  He was sensitive to her and cared about her in so many ways, she knew she could not count them.  She loved him with every bone in her body; every time she saw him it made her heart dance and a smile play happily on her lips.  Not the fake smile that she gave to her unfeeling customers, but a real smile, one reserved only for those she loved.  But she knew that she had to tell him.  Harold would not allow her to see him, and if Christian was near her, he would be killed.  She had to push him away to save him.  The show had to go on.

  
I am now   
In a world where I   
Have to hide my heart   
And what I believe in   
But somehow   
I will show the world   
What's inside my heart   
And be loved for who I am   
  
  


          This was going to be so hard, she thought to herself as she gazed at her reflection in the mirror.  

Who is that girl I see   
Staring straight back at me?   
Why is my reflection   
Someone I don't know?   
          

How could this diamond sparkle when its reason for sparkling would be taken away?  Even as she sat in her dressing room, she could see the darkness that would be her life if she didn't break free now.  But she was not allowed to break free.  No, the Duke had taken that away from her.  And in giving the deeds to the Moulin Rouge to the Duke, Zidler, without truly meaning to, had dampened the fiery spirit of his little sparrow.  And at the same moment that Zidler had done, a new person had lifted her spirits, giving her the hope to be who she truly was.  

Must I pretend that I'm   
Someone else for all time?   
When will my reflection show   
Who I am inside?

She was not really Satine, the Sparkling Diamond.  She was just Satine, a lost little girl trying to find her way in the world; a little girl who had been hardened by the terrible existence of the underworld – her only means of survival.  Until she found Christian.  Her Christian.  He had taught her to love, to live life to its fullest.  He had shown her that she was more than others believed her to be.  That she was a real person, and not just the sexual fantasy of the men of Europe.  ****

There's a heart that must be   
Free to fly   
That burns with a need to know   
The reason why   
  
Why must we all conceal   
What we think, how we feel?   
Must there be a secret me   
I'm forced to hide?   
  


          Now was the time, she thought as she looked at the nearby clock, which was ticking so slowly, as if to prolong the moment when she would have to tear her world apart, because she was, in truth, someone else's property.  She would have to give up the one time she had truly felt like herself, and had truly been able to be herself, and not put on an act.  The Duke would give her the chance to be an actress, yes, but it was more likely that once he had her all to himself, he would hurt her more than she had ever been hurt before.  With Christian she wouldn't have as secure and luxurious a life as she had been accustomed to, but she would have a real life – she would not be putting on a show night after night.  At that thought, she broke down once again, the tears coming at an alarming rate.  Her Christian, with his dark hair that fell in his face in just the right places, his warm eyes lighting up whenever she entered a room, his genuine smile that she knew was only for her…it would all be gone as soon as she told him what she had to tell him.  And that is when she decided.

          She wouldn't tell him.  She would go to his apartment, bags in hand, ready to go.  She couldn't live without him.  She couldn't put up the charade anymore.  She couldn't be Zidler's Sparkling Diamond.  She began to cough, the same cough that racked her body, leaving her faint and unable to talk or breathe.  And at that very moment, something Zidler had said to her came back.  She had been avoiding the thought ever since he had mentioned it.  "You're dying, Satine," he had told her.  Dying.  She wasn't sure she could really believe it.  Though it did explain her frequent coughing fits – she had consumption.  Would life with Christian be possible?  Would life itself beyond that day be possible?  All she knew was that life with the Duke would only lead her to her death more quickly.  

          She picked up an empty suitcase and searched the room for any belongings that would be necessary to take with her in her new life with Christian.  They were all material things, but she knew that they could get money for the diamonds and other jewels, and she packed up as many as she deemed necessary.  She also gathered a few simpler dresses and walked out of her dressing room – one…last…time.  She didn't turn back, knowing that if she did, Zidler or Marie or one of the girls would somehow convince her to stay – or at least attempt to convince her to stay.  But she wouldn't.  She walked out of the Moulin Rouge, not even bothering to look back at the home she had had for many years, the home that had made her a star, and the home that had made her a courtesan.  For now, she was no longer the Moulin Rouge's Sparkling Diamond; she was simply…Satine.

I won't pretend that I'm   
Someone else for all time   
When will my reflection show   
Who I am inside?   
When will my reflection show   
Who I am inside?

the end


End file.
